Freedom Products For Face, Nose and Yoni

I got a hand written parking ticket from my next door neighbour at the weekend. Yup. I was unloading dogs, kids, laundry, logs and yes, I parked at least a foot onto their driveway and at least a foot into the lane, in a VW Golf 3 door hatch. And yes, I abandoned the car right there while I had a cup of tea and an oat cake – it was one of those days.
Mobile homes the width of my kitchen, JCB diggers, and Astin martens go up and down this lane. One time there was a fleet of black massive Discos with tinted windows and I thought Royalty had come at last but no, they were a family from Aberdeen.
On the bay boats have bobbed and jet skis have roared for months. They are gone. Men take buoys in for shelter. Dinghis are being jet washed. At dawn, on the edge of town, the shooters use Canada geese for target practice. In the little lanes there are rows of For Sale signs and builder’s vans. When the pneumatic drills stop for tea, I hear small free birds sing and women orgasm. In the shop or post office, even the cafe, I can see it. All the flirting and touching in little secret ways thinking no one can see them. Either it’s the oodles of lube I just sold or some sort of magic spell has been cast upon the lesbians of Tory Town.
I remember it well – the way women tell each other they want immediate sexual gratification. The way we glance sidey-ways for a while, before we can manage a milli second of eye contact. That’s how we do it here in the Highlands of Scotland. We still get off on the secrecy of intimacy.
There’s a lovely laid back vibe in the evenings. The tourists are gone. The second homers have pissed off. Soon even the caravan park will be boarded up for the winter. The last of the children went yesterday. Rowan reds are ready to fall, teeny wee nests suddenly seen. There’s six local children to marvel in them. That first week of the English October holidays there were more children here than at any other time of the year. They played among the pecked bodies of the geese and the plastic shot cartridges. They took boat trips to see the visiting orcas at Lossiemouth. They didn’t litter pick. Aurora has been seen in the far off distance. Seals howl.
I happened to have a weekend off. I made salt exfoliators. The healthy shop had bags of eco salts from the Isle of Skye. Sifted in small batches from the cleanest waters, infused with bladder wrack and kelp. One sniff and I needed the beach, so I took the dog and marched then jogged to the shore. All along the way the sky wrote dolphin clouds until at the edge of land three rainbows danced. I threw sticks and the dog leaped. This is the best kind of day to make magic potions. I stayed for four hours, releasing anything and everything. Letting go into the surf.
The kitchen needs to be spotless. I spray vodka. I let sage smoulder. I light candles with the intentions for love and i invite my ancestors to come and work magic with me.
The first time I made this particular exfoliator I was thinking about my good friend Daphne, s/he is a plasterer of bespoke lime renderings and s/he has plaster embedded in their nostrils. This is ugly when picked nervously on dinner dates or at ceilidhs. So, I tried to remedy it. I keep making and improving it. I nearly have a whole range of salty scrubs. I make a hand cleanser even the French like. For big beards and bushes I add a little light oil. For bare skin I add soothers and healers like lavender, newly harvested by mine own fair hands. And hemp.
This latest salt scrub is so gentle I used it on my yoni. And it feels good.
I added the teeniest weeniest drop of castor oil to dried rose petals. I had soaked sage in an old copper kettle. I infused the salts with sage or rose petals and arnica tincture.
And I listened to the old songs of Ireland.Which is possibly why it’s a bright green colour.
I’m planning on giving this to my neighbours of the parking ticket, as a gift, to soften them up a bit.
October 2017


These are freedom products. Free from chemicals, free from cruelty, free from pollution. The raw materials are ethically and responsibly sourced and fairly traded. These products are gender neutral and can be used by all earthlings. The ingredients are natural, plant based and organic. They really are the very best ingredients on the planet.
Everyone can learn how to make these products. You can do this at home in your kitchen, either for yourself or as gifts for friends, or, if you really like the alchemy you can set up your own business.

Currently I have four types of product available.
I can take on line orders with payment by Bacs or Paypal.
Orders will be dispatched same day or next day by first class post.

The first, my favourite, is the gel serum which acts like a natural facelift. I have called it Rise N’ Shine serum. It is like an invisible, lighter than air film of vitamins and minerals seeping gently into your face, lifting, tightening and nourishing your skin. It is made with organic aloe vera, hyaluronic acid, vitamin C, Siberian ginseng, Q10, vitamin E, pumpkin seed oil, watermelon seed oil, vitamin A palmitate, Liftonin, and Remodelling Intense.
As an introductory offer, I have small 20ml jars for £17.50

Second, I made a Rise N’ Shine face oil for folk who prefer to feel the oil and the total hydration. This needs to be applied to clean skin, just a few drops, warmed slightly in the palm of your hand and almost breathed in to your face, smoothed along your cheeks, into the wrinkles and laughter lines, massaged along your neck and enjoyed, every morning.
This is made with watermelon seed oil, pumpkin seed oil, camellia seed oil, vitamin E oil, Squalene, rosemary anti-oxidant and Q10.
I have small bottles with droppers for £7.50
Small jars of 20 ml, with added sea buckthorn for £12.50

The Green Clean is a salt exfoliator. I have used Himalayan sea salt and hope you like this so much that you stop everyone from ever using a cleanser with micro-beads and make something like this instead. The Green Clean is not the best name for this product and I will be offering a prize to anyone who can come up with a more appropriate name for it. I have used it on my face, lips, neck, chest and breasts. I have used it on my hands and feet. It sloughs away any flaky dead skin cells, actively removing grime from pores. It heals and soothes cracks, sores, cuts and blisters. it leaves a protective film of nourishing oils and vitamins. It’s also very green.
It is made with Himalayan sea salt, witch hazel water, arnica tincture, chia seed oil, castor oil, thistle oil, vitamin E oil and lavender.
It is £7.50 for 20 ml

Last, for the moment, I have a cooling soothing eye gel which takes the sting out of your eyes after a hard day at the computer. This is a refresher, a brightness boost for tired eyes. It’s made with aloe vera gel, arnica, witch hazel, vitamin E, vitamin A palmitate, and eyebright tincture. I call it Soilse Na Súl, which is Irish for eyebright. It’s fabulous.
20ml is £10